


Chat

by wiccanstiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Confused Dean, Crack, Dean is confused, Destiel - Freeform, Fangirls, Funny, God - Freeform, God is a fangirl, Hell, Hellhounds, M/M, Sabriel - Freeform, Sam Winchester's Demonic Powers, Same-Sex Marriage, Submissive/Bottom Gabriel, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural AU: Gabriel Lives, idk i made myself laugh when i read this and im the author, kevin can't cook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 18:16:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wiccanstiel/pseuds/wiccanstiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<em>Kevin: His sass levels will return to normal when he comes back</em><br/><em>Sam: My sass levels what</em><br/><em>Gabriel: To be honest I find it hot ;)</em><br/><em>Dean: okay really how are dead people chatting with us</em><br/><em>God: Well Dean, I guess you could call it ... <strong>supernatural</strong></em>"</p><p>Or in which Sam is a sassmaster, Bobby is an old black woman, Gabriel is a slut, God is a fangirl, Castiel gets married, and Dean is confused. </p><p>crack!Fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chat

**Author's Note:**

> I am so, so, so sorry for this. I think I blame how it was written on my laziness to punctuate or capitalize things.  
> "In which the author is a lazy butt and a potty mouth and posts this five days after it's promised"
> 
> It's all crack. I really, really like sassmaster!Sam.

“Here, drink this.” Kevin said, holding a small bottle of something vile looking. Dean looked on with concern. He had a right to. The second trial was for Sam to go into hell, so going into hell was what he was going to do.   
  
“.. what is it?” Sam asked, slightly worried that whatever it was in that vial might kill him. Kevin couldn’t cook. At all.   
  
“It’s just something I threw together. It’ll make your journey into hell less painful.” Kevin answered, shaking the bottle a little. Sam continued to look at it apprehensively. Kevin sighed.   
  
“Look, the tablet helped me figure out the recipe, so you’re not gonna die or anything. I think.” He shook the bottle again. Sam sighed and snatched it out of Kevin’s hand, popping it open and draining the bottle in one gulp. His face scrunched up at the taste and and he coughed a couple times.   
  
“So.. now what?” But before anyone could get a word in, the floor opened up and Sam fell.   
  
Dean and Kevin rushed to the edge, but the hole closed up before they could do anything.   
  
“What the fuck was that?” Dean asked.   
  
“I uh .. I think that was a portal to hell.” Kevin responded sheepishly.   
  
“I’m calling Cas.” Dean spun around to call the angel.

* * *

 

  
Sam strode through Hell, looking at all the cages and people. He stopped at a door labled “Media Center”. Inside was a brilliantly designed room filled with a table lined with computers and TV’s. Sam walked in and sat down at the chair, sighing with pleasure as he sank into the cushions. He rolled forward, and placed his hands down at a keyboard of a computer. He opened up a hunter chatroom.   
  
_Sam has joined the chat._   
**Sam** : Hey guys.  
 **Dean:** Sam! Where have you been?  
 **Castiel** : We were worried about you.  
 **Sam** : I’m in the computer room in hell. It’s actually really nice in here. I don’t think im gonna leave till later.  
 **Dean:** But you’re supposed to be saving an innocent soul or something  
 **Sam** : and  
 **Dean** : And .... are you not gonna do that?  
 **Sam** : nope  
 **Castiel:** Why, Sam?  
 **Sam:** Cause I like it in here. Crowley did a good job with decoration  
 **Dean** : ....  
 **Sam:** Oh! Cas I have something to ask you  
 _Gabriel has joined the chat._  
 **Gabriel** : yoyo  
 _God has joined the chat._  
 **Dean** : Wait WHAT  
 **Castiel:** Father? Where have you been?  
 **Gabriel** : Sammy! Hows my favorite Winchester?  
 **Sam:** Hey Gabe  
 **Castiel:** oh and yes Sam your question is?  
 **Sam:** Oh God this question is for you too  
 **God:** yes sam  
 **Dean:** Sam how the fuck are you just conversing with god like it’s no big deal  
 **Sam** : Dean shut the fuck up i’m trying to ask god a question and stop you from crying when people kiss on Dr Sexy  
 **Sam:** okay  
 **Sam:** God is it okay for Dean and Cas to get together yes or no  
 **Castiel:** What  
 **Dean:** waht  
 **God:** Of fucking course do you have any idea how long i’ve been rooting for those two to get it on? jesus.   
_Jesus has joined the chat._  
 **Jesus:** you called  
 **God:** Go away jesus  
 **Sam** : Yeah go away jesus no one likes you  
 **Jesus:** Well fuck you too sam I’ll have you know I’m dog sitting and have nothing better to do  
 **Dean:** wait so me and Cas can get together  
 **God:** Yes dean how lONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT YES YOU AND CAS CAN GET TOGETHER YOU TWO CAN FUCK EACH OTHERS BRAINS OUT FOR ALL I CARE  


* * *

  
Above ground, Castiel quietly appeared behind Dean, who was sitting at his computer with his mouth hanging open.   
  
“So .. it appears my Father approves of our union.” He began.   
  
Dean twirled around and smashed his and Castiel’s faces together, only pulling back for air.  
  
“Yeah ... So do I.” He said breathlessly. Just then he realised that Cas was carrying a laptop.  
  
“... what’s this?” He asked, confused. Castiel took the laptop and placed it beside Dean’s.   
  
“Now we can talk together.” He grinned.   


* * *

  
_Kevin has joined the chat._

**Sam:** Omfg God i do not need that image ingrained in my head ok  
 **Kevin:** shit oops  
 **Dean** : Kevin what did you do to my brother  
 **Sam:** what, dean i’m fine   
**Dean:** No, sam, no you’re not  
 **Kevin:** Um  
 **Kevin:** It’s just a side effect i guess  
 **Kevin:** His sass levels will return to normal when he comes back  
 **Sam** : My sass levels what  
 **Gabriel:** To be honest I find it hot ;)  
 **Dean:** okay really how are dead people chatting with us  
 **God:** Well Dean, I guess you could call it ... _supernatural_  
 **Dean:** what  
 **God:** You’re fucing talking to god you idiot is that not enough to tell you that weird things are going to possibly happen in this chat including having dead people talk to us  
 **Gabriel:** Well said God  
 **Gabriel** : Now sam  
 **Gabriel:** Don’t you have something to tell your brother  
 _Kevin has left the chat._  
 **Sam:** no  
 **Dean:** what  
 **Gabriel:** Are you suuuuuuuuure?  
 **Sam:** Yep  
 **Dean:** Sam do you have something to tell me  
 **Sam:** Nope  
 **Dean:** Sam  
 **Sam:** Dean  
 **Dean:** Sam  
 **Sam:** Dean  
 _Lucifer has joined the chat._  
 **Sam:** Fuck  
 **Lucifer:** why hellooo saaaaaaaaaam  
 **Sam:** Luci you can just fuck right off okay  
 **Dean:** Lucifer??   
**Castiel:** Brother, I believe it would be wise if you left.  


* * *

  
“Having fun, are we?” A voice sounded from behind Sam.  
  
He spun around to see Crowley step through the doors, a couple of tiny hellhound puppies following in behind him. One of them bounded right up to sam, and yipped at his feet. He grabbed it around the middle and placed it in his lap.  
  
“What do you want?’ Sam asked.   
  
“I want you to go away.” Crowley answered.   
  
“Too bad, so sad. I’m staying here.” was Sam’s reply.  
  
Crowley seemed confused. “I’ll sic my dog on you. My other one, y’know, the one you didn’t KILL.”   
  
Sam smirked. “Pssh. I’m half demon, the hellhounds will ignore me. See?” He lifted the pup up. “This one likes me.” The puppy licked his finger.  
  
Crowley made a face at Sam and vanished.   


* * *

  
**Dean:** Guys.   
**Sam:** What  
 **Dean:** I think me and cas are getting married  
 **Sam:** woah wait what isnt this a little soon  
 **Dean:** We’ve been waiting for five fucking years sam  
 _Charlie has joined the chat._  
 _Chuck has joined the chat._  
 _Becky has joined the chat._  
 **Charlie:** Wait what’s this about Dean getting married  
 **Chuck:** guys please  
 **Dean** : holy shit where did you all come from  
 **Gabriel:** do i need to get god to spell it all out for you again  
 **God:** you know what there are just way too many people here I think I’m gonna go  
 **Dean:** what do you mean too many people you created half the people here  
 **God:** well if you havent noticed Dean I’m a bit antisocial  
 **Becky** : OHMYGOD DEAN CONGRATZ!!!!!  
 **Sam:** beccky go away nobody wants you here  
 **Chuck** : Becky please calm down  
 **Becky:** BUT DEAN’S GETTING MARRIED   
**Becky** : WE SHOULD BE CELEBRATING  
 _God has left the chat._  
 **Gabriel** : Who the fuck is this chick  
 **Charlie** : She needs to lay off the caps lock jeez  
 **Becky:** IM SO EXCITED DEAN CAN I BE THE FLOWER GIRL???!?  
 **Dean:** NO  
 **Sam:** NO   
**Chuck:** NO  
 **Becky:** :’(((((((((((  
 **Gabriel** : No but who the fuck are you  
 **Sam:** She’s Becky, part time fangirl, my ex wife  
 **Becky:** Who the fuck are you  
 **Gabriel:** I’m sam’s boyfriend. I’m new.  
 **Gabriel:** Actually I’m not new i used to be dead  
 **Sam:** GABE  
 **Dean:** WHAT  
 **Castiel:** Congratulations, Gabriel.   
**Lucifer:** But Sam, I thought we were fuck buddies?  
 **Sam** : Luci no  
 **Lucifer:** But sammmmm what we had was special  
 **Sam:** how did you even get wifi in the pit i thought that wasn’t possible otherwise I would have updated my twitter while i was down there  
 **Dean:** you have a twitter  
 **Sam:** yeah  
 **Dean:** wwhy did I not know this  
 **Sam:** because you’re stupid  
 **Lucifer:** we’ve always had wifi in the pit jesus sam  
 **Jesus:** Did someone call  
 **Sam:** NO JESUS NO ONE CALLED YOU NOW GO AWAY  
 **Jesus:** Just one quick question are you supposed to give dogs chocolate  
 **Charlie** : fuck no  
 **Charlie:** And jesus?????  
 **Jesus** : well that explains why he hasn’t moved in awhile  
 **Charlie:** Did jesus just poison a dog with chocolate  
 **Sam:** apparently  
 _Jesus has left the chat._  


* * *

  
The hellhound in Sam’s lap sniffed and yawned. Sam smiled and continued to pet it, internally wrestling himself about keeping it. He scratched under the hellhound’s chin, affection coursing through him. _Bobby John_ , he decided. The pup would be named Bobby John.   
  
Sam looked at the chat again. His heart ached to see Gabe in person, to actually get to touch him. So far they had just had a long-distance internet relationship going. Yeah, Sam knew just how much of a girl he sounded like. He decided to ask.  


* * *

  
_Sam has requested a private chat with Gabriel._  
 **Gabriel:** sup sammy  
 **Sam:** why won’t you show yourself in person  
 **Gabriel:** wow needy  
 **Sam:** you said it yourself we’re dating now why aren’t you on my dick yet  
 **Gabriel:** You still have those goddamned sigils on your ribs   
**Sam:** fuck  
 **Gabriel:** I need to have a strongly worded conversation with Castiel  
 **Sam:** Im in the media center in hell  
 **Gabriel:** got it  
 _Gabriel has left the chat._  


* * *

_  
_“Well, hello handsome.” Gabriel said from behind him.  
  
Sam spun to see Gabriel, his Gabriel, standing there in person. Well, not exactly in person. All he was wearing was a pair of bright red booty shorts that said “party”.  
  
Sam was so inexplicably turned on that Bobby John yelped and hopped off Sam’s lap and onto the table, curling up next to the keyboard.   
  
Gabe stalked forward, sitting himself in Sam’s lap. He slowly ground his hips into the bigger man’s groin, smirking at the groan he got in return.   
  
“Damnit Gabe, why do you still have clothing on?” Sam moaned, bucking his hips back up in retaliation.  
  
“Tsk, needy.” Gabe replied breathlessly. He snapped his fingers and suddenly they were both naked, save for the huge dildo shoved into Gabe’s ass.   
  
When Sam saw this he gasped, left completely speechless at what his angel had done for him. It was just so Gabe. He pulled the dildo out slowly, relishing each and every gasp and whimper he got, until the angel dug his nails into Sam’s legs and groaned, “Just get the fuck on with it.”  
  
He watched the chat as Sam pounded into him.  


* * *

  
**Sam:** Hey guys guess who’s getting fucked right now. that’s right, this guy -G  
 **Dean:** what the fuck

 _Balthazar has joined the chat._  
 _Chuck has left the chat._  
 _Becky has left the chat._  
 **Balthazar:** Gabriel is that really neccessary  
 **Sam:** yup -G  
 **Castiel:** Gabriel, will you please stop trying to announce your sexual exploits to us via chat.  
 **Sam:** fine, you guys are party poopers. I’m having lots of fun bouncing on Sam’s dick. ahaahahHAHAHAHA -G  
 **Dean:** GABRIEL WHAT THE FUCK  
 _Fuck has joined the chat._  
 **Fuck:** Did somebody call me?  
 **Dean:** really  
 **Dean:** REALLY  
 _Fuck has changed their name to Jesus._  
 **Jesus** : Hahaha nope just  me  
 **Dean: REALLY**

 **Charlie** : you have no idea how hard I’m laughing right now holy fuck  
 **Sam:** Did someone say holy fuck -G  
 **Dean:** GABRIEL JUST FUCK OFF OKAY  
 **Sam:** But that’s what you said you didn’t want to hear about. It’s what i’m doing right now, actually. Fuck. -G  
 **Sam:** and jesus go away or I’ll call fathRE -G  
 **Jesus** : fine ... 

_Jesus has left the chat._

-  
 _Crowley has requested a private chat with Sam._  
 **Crowley** : you better not be fucking on my furniture  
Sam: too late-G  
 **Crowley:** GOD FUCKING DAMNIT  
 **Sam:** I’m about to come all over your floor. And chaiJSFD  
 **Crowley** : Oh hell no.  
 **Sam:** Too late. -G  
 **Crowley** : OH HELL NO.  
 **Sam:** have fun cleaning that up- G  
 _Sam has left the chat._  


* * *

“Wait, so you actually have wings?” Dean asked, looking at Cas incredulously. Castiel nodded.   
  
“Can I see them?” He asked eagerly.   
  
Castiel looked apprehensive, but he nodded again. He closed his eyes, and after a beat, a whooshing sound paired with a burst of light and suddenly Castiel had a pair of lightbrown wings as long as Dean’s arm.  
  
“Woah.” He gaped. A sudden thought occurred to him. “I know how we could put these to good use.”  


* * *

  
_Bobby has joined the chat._  
 **Bobby** : Sammy  
 **Bobby** : guuuuuurl isn’t your ratchet ass supposed to be saving me right now  
 **Dean:** Apparently he’s a little tied up  
 **Dean:** and bobby what the fuck is wrong with you??  
 **Bobby:** don’t be an idiot Dean  
 **Dean:** what  
 **Sam** : So i’m back and apologise for Gabriel  
 **Sam:** Bobby what  
 **Bobby:** Gurl aren’t you supposed to be breaking me out  
 **Sam:** Not if you keep nagging me like that  
 **Bobby:** I will pull out yo weave sam winchester  
 **Sam:** bobby I don’t have a weave  
 **Bobby:** SAMMY  
 **Bobby:** SSAAAM  
 **Bobby:** SAAAVE MEE SAMMYYYY  
 **Sam:** Bobby will you just shut up for a second i need to talk to dean about something  
 **Charlie:** Is something wrong with your uncle cause he sounds like an old black woman  
 **Dean:** Sam?  
 **Sam:** dean can I have this hellhound  
 **Dean:** no  
 **Sam** : But deeeeeaaan he’s so cuuute and he has a name  
 **Sam:** i named him bobby john   
**Dean** : no  
 **Sam:** Cas do you want kittens  
 **Castiel:** Kittens? yes  
 **Castiel:** i would very much like to get kittens  
 **Castiel:** Dean may we get kittens  
 **Dean** : Okay fine yeah we’ll get you some kittens.  
 **Sam:** See you let cas get kittens why can’t I get this hellhound  
 **Dean** : Because It’s a hellhound   
**Sam** : BUT DEEEEEEAN  
 **Dean:** No  
 **Sam:** BUT DEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAN HE’S SO CUUUUUUTE  
 **Dean:** no sam we are not getting a hellhound  
 **Sam:** Then I’ll steal cas’s kittens  
 **Castiel** : NO SAM   
**Castiel** : YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION   
**Sam:** WELL FUCK YOU TOO CAS  
 **Dean: wait WhAT** **  
** **Balthazar** : I believe castiel and sam are fighting about kittens  
 **Dean:** yES THANK   
**Balthazar:** I don’t want to be in the middle of this I’m going to leave  
 _Balthazar has left the chat._  
 **Gabriel:** Don’t worry sam we’ll get you that hellhound  
 **Sam:** THANK you gabe  
 **Dean:** Not in my house you’re not  
 _God has joined the chat._  
 **Charlie:** Wait sam how the hell do you have wifi in hell  
 **Sam** : I have wifi anywhere didn’t you notice  
 **Dean:** We never not have wifi  
 **God** : Why is wifi such a big deal holy crap  
 **Charlie:** GOD?!! >>!?  
 **God:** hello charlie  
 **Charlie:** Is god here because you have supernatural wifi  
 **God:** yes  
 **Charlie** : oh  
 **Charlie** : right  
 **Charlie** : of course  
 **Sam:** Back to bobby john  
 **Dean:** I said no, sam  
 **Sam:** BUT DEEEEEEEEEAN  
 **Dean:** I will move out with cas and our kittens okay  
 **Sam** : BUT HE’LL BE A GOOD LITTLE HELLHOUND  
 **Dean** : SAM NO  
 **Charlie** : Sam you can visit me with bobby john he sounds cute  
 **Sam** : thank  
 **Dean** : goddamnit  
 **Gabriel:** Dean just let sam have the hellhound okay  
 **Dean:** I just wanted to get married  
 **Castiel:** yes  
 **Castiel** : Let’s get married  
 **God:** ohmyself ohmyself it’s like all of my dreams are coming true  
 **Sam:** Get on webcam I wanna record this  
 _Dean has set up a webcam broadcast._  
 _Sam has begun recording Dean’s broadcast.  
_

* * *

All Sam could see was Dean, standing there awkwardly. Dean cleared his throat.   
  
Suddenly, a pair of light brown wings popped out from behind him, and in a booming voice, he uttered, “You insignificant mortals.”  


* * *

  
**Sam:** HOLY SHIT  
 **God:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA  


* * *

  
  
Dean looked at the chat and started laughing. Cas stepped out from behind him and tucked his wings away.   


* * *

  
**Sam:** that wasn’T FUNNY DEAN  
 **God:** I found it hilarious  
 **Charlie:** I agree with god  
 **Charlie:** I can’t get over how weird that sounds  
 **Dean** : We need a preist or something tho if we’re gonna do this.  
 **God** : I’ll do it. (asjhdfksdj you guuuys)  
 **Sam:** really god  
 **Sam:** are YOU really getting worked up over being the priest at cas and dean’s wedding  
 **God:** gosh Sam you just dont understand  
 **God:** okay well I haven’t really done this in quite a few years  
 **God** : just ... say your vows right now or something  


* * *

Cas and Dean stood across from each other, and Dean took Castiel’s hand.   
  
“Castiel, ever since I’ve met you, you’ve always been special to me. At first, you were an ass, but then, you were my ass. It took me so long to realize that I was in love with you that I want to smack myself. I’m sorry. But now, I hope we can actually do something about this thing we have, instead of ignoring it like we have for so long now. I love you, Castiel.”   
  
Sam was not crying. He was not.  
  
“Dean, Hester was right. From the moment I laid a hand on you in hell, I was lost. But not in a bad way, never. I was lost to the angels. I had fallen for you. I didn’t understand what it was I felt for you for so long until Sam helped me. And I know now that making you wait for so long was wrong of me. I was so lost without you, Dean. And I love you.”  


* * *

  
**God:** I’m not crying  
 **God:** really I’m not  
 **Charlie** : It’s fucking raining outside yes you are  
 **Sam:** HUSH LET THEM DO THIS  
 **God:** Okay. Dean, do you take Castiel as your husband, in sickness or in health, till death do us part?  


* * *

  
“I do.” Dean answered, staring into Castiel’s eyes.  


* * *

  
**God:** Do you, Castiel, take Dean Winchester as your husband, in sickness or in health, till death do us part?

* * *

“I do.” Castiel’s voice reverberated around the room, and Dean swore he felt it in his bones.

* * *

  
**God:** I now pronounce you married. You may kiss eachother.  


* * *

  
Dean leaned in for a kiss and Castiel met him halfway. They quickly forgot they had an audience, and the kissing became more than PG-13 before Castiel snapped his fingers and the webcam shut off. 

* * *

  
**Charlie** : well  
 **Sam:** I really didn’t need to see that  
 **Sam:** gabe says he didn’t either.  
 **God:** that was fucking hot i don’t know what you’re talking about  
 **Sam:** um  
 **God:** after 6000+ years of living I have to get my entertainment somehow  
 **Sam:** well .. cool .. iguess  
 **Charlie:** okay  
 **God:** Well imma go and spy on those too  
 **God:** They’re probably getting it on right now  
 **Sam:** ugh GOD STOP   
_God has left the chat._  
 **Charlie:** Yeah .. I’m gonna go too. I got some thing in moondor to get too.  
 **Sam:** Charlie make sure you get laid this time  
 _Dean has left the chat._  
 _Castiel has left the chat._  
 **Charlie:** Yeah okay I’ll do that  
 **Charlie:** ;)  
 _Charlie has left the chat._  
 _Sam has left the chat._  


* * *

  
“Well ...” Gabriel started, as Sam shut off the computer.   
  
“No Gabe I do not have the same kind of libido as you, and seeing my brother make out with Cas like that has made me softer than I have ever been.”  
  
Gabriel frowned. “About that ... it doesn’t make what we’re doing incest, right? Cause now we’re kind of brother-in-laws...”   
  
Sam stopped and thought about it. After a minute of thinking, he just shrugged.   
  
Gabe grinned. 


End file.
